EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE EI
Managing Feelings
What Is Emotional Intelligence?
Emotional Intelligence EI is the ability to recognize, understand, manage, and use your own emotions effectively, and to recognize and influence the emotions of others. In simple terms, it is being smart about feelings: noticing what you feel and why, regulating your reactions, reading other people accurately, and handling relationships well.
It is not about suppressing strong emotions. It is more about noticing them, understanding them, and channeling them constructively so that you are choosing how to respond in ways that serve you and your relationships well. It is a set of skills that can be developed over time, and one of the more practical forms of intelligence you can deliberately grow.
Origins
The phrase Emotional Intelligence was coined by Michael Beldoch in 1964, and Wayne Payne used the phrase prominently in his 1985 doctoral dissertation. Psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer adopted it in 1990 and defined it as the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings, to learn to tell them apart, and to use that information to guide thinking and action.
It entered mainstream culture through Daniel Goleman's 1995 bestseller Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Goleman argued that these skills often matter more than raw cognitive intelligence for success in life, work and relationships, and that they can be learned.
Main Models
The Ability Model of Mayer, Salovey and Caruso treats EI as a genuine mental ability with four branches that build on each other:
- Perceiving emotions in yourself and others, through faces, voice and body language
- Using emotions to facilitate your thinking and to guide your decisions
- Understanding emotions, including their causes, how they progress, and their blends
- Managing emotions, both in yourself and in your relationships
Goleman's Mixed Model, the most widely used in workplaces and leadership, names five practical components:
- Self-awareness: knowing your own emotions, strengths, weaknesses, and their impact on others. This is the foundation.
- Self-regulation: managing impulses, staying calm under pressure, and thinking before acting.
- Motivation: being driven by internal goals and resilience rather than just external rewards.
- Empathy: accurately reading and understanding other people's emotions and perspectives.
- Social skills: building relationships, influencing others, managing conflict, and collaborating effectively.
Goleman later grouped these into four domains: Self-Awareness, Self-Management, Social Awareness and Relationship Management.
Researchers still debate how much of emotional intelligence is inborn and how best to measure it. It is measured in two main ways: as abilities shown on tasks, and as traits people report about themselves. The core idea, that handling emotions skillfully matters, is widely accepted; the exact boundaries and measurement continue to be refined.
Why It Matters
A 2010 review that pooled 105 results from 19,815 people linked higher emotional intelligence with better health, most clearly with mental health. Other research links these skills with lower stress, anxiety and depression, with deeper connections and more effective conflict resolution in relationships, and with less burnout and more adaptive responses to setbacks.
At work, reviews have found that emotional intelligence goes with better job performance across many kinds of work: stronger teams, better communication, lower turnover and higher engagement. Many employers now rank self-awareness, empathy, motivation and active listening among the top competencies.
At school, a 2011 review of 213 social and emotional learning programs with 270,034 students from kindergarten through high school found better social and emotional skills, attitudes and behavior, and an 11-percentile-point gain in academic achievement.
At Every Age
- Young children learn to name their feelings and to calm down with the help of a caring adult.
- School-age children learn to read other people's feelings, take turns, cope with frustration and make friends.
- Teenagers often feel emotions intensely while they are still building the skills to manage them, at a time of new friendships, pressures and independence.
- Adults keep growing these skills through relationships, parenting, work and leadership.
Many schools teach these skills as social and emotional learning. The Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning groups them into five areas: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills and responsible decision-making.
Gifted Individuals
Gifted individuals can develop unevenly, which experts call asynchronous development. Their thinking can run far ahead of their emotional growth, so a child may reason like an adult and still need help with feelings like a child. Gifted individuals may also be more sensitive, with stronger reactions to criticism and failure. Understanding both sides can help parents, teachers, colleagues and employers support them better.
Can It Be Learned?
Yes. Unlike Intelligence Quotient IQ, which is relatively stable, emotional intelligence can be developed at any age through deliberate practice. A 2019 review of 58 studies of emotional intelligence training for adults found a moderate positive effect. Early findings suggest training works better with practice and feedback than with lectures, and like any skill, the gains last best with ongoing practice.
Practical, evidence-informed ways to strengthen it include:
- Name your emotions precisely, beyond just "good" or "bad": a richer emotional vocabulary improves regulation.
- Build body awareness: notice where emotions show up physically, for example a tight chest or a clenched jaw.
- Pause before reacting: just taking three slow breaths creates space between feeling and action.
- Journal or reflect: track the triggers, the patterns, and the outcomes.
- Practice active listening and empathy: focus fully on the other person rather than planning your response.
- Seek feedback: ask trusted people how your emotional reactions affect them.
- Mindfulness or short daily check-ins: stay present with what you are feeling without immediately judging it.
Children learn a great deal at home, from parents who notice and name feelings, accept them, and set clear limits on behavior. In therapy, approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness-based cognitive therapy, emotionally focused therapy and family therapy build these skills step by step, and for couples there is the Gottman Method.
When Feelings Keep Getting In The Way
Families often reach out when a child's feelings lead to frequent meltdowns, outbursts or withdrawal, when friendships keep falling apart, or when a teenager struggles to bounce back from setbacks. Adults reach out when strong feelings, conflict or stress keep harming their relationships or their work.
These struggles can come from many places, including stress, poor sleep, anxiety, low mood, attention or learning differences, autism, trauma or giftedness, and each calls for a different kind of help.
Having some of these struggles does not by itself say what lies behind them. Only a qualified clinician can tell what they point to.
The right treatment for each person is decided with their clinician.
If you are in crisis, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.
This is general information gathered from public sources such as the published work of Peter Salovey, John Mayer and Daniel Goleman, the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning, and research reviews. It is not medical advice, a diagnosis, or a substitute for professional care. Diagnosis and treatment are for a qualified clinician.
Who Do We Help?
Children, teenagers and adults who want to understand and manage their feelings better, and the parents who help them grow these skills.
How Can We Help?
Psychological Testing can show an individual's strengths and weaknesses, with giftedness among them, and it can show what may be making feelings hard to manage.
Psychotherapy builds the skills to notice, understand and manage feelings.
Child And Adolescent care looks at a young person's feelings alongside school, friendships and family.
Parent Coaching gives parents ways to help manage them at home.
Psychiatry cares for the anxiety, low mood or attention problems that can stand in the way.
What Are My Options?
If you are wondering if we could be a good fit for you or have questions about how we can craft your own specialized treatment plan, please reach out to learn more.
For individuals with urgent needs we may be able to offer same-day or next-day appointments to ensure that you get the care you need as quickly as possible.
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